December 27, 2003
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Hmmm, I kind of feel like this is my autobiography, and I only write current events to support occassional insightful flashbacks.
Which brings me back around to my last few posts…
I said my anger at the way I had been mistreated and snubbed by my peers sustained me through my suicidal phase. That’s basically true, but eventually I had to find something else to motivate me. I mean, if you’re angry all the time, people seem to think you’re a bitch or something. heh
I am tempted to say… and lo’ it came to pass… but what am I? Some kind of New Age messianic cultist? hah Like I’d want that responsibility, but listen to this anyway.
I’ve mentioned my past life memories. They’re one of the reasons I’m really not afraid to die. Sure it’s a painful process, but it’s not a scary one. I mean, it’s not like I haven’t done it before.
But in thinking about my abilities and my past life memories, I had to come up with a reason why I should continue. Even with my low-key superiority complex (self-diagnosed), that didn’t give me much reason to continue once my righteous indignation over my rotted childhood faded a little.
I mean, all my anger, intelligence, ability, and self-righteous anger could lead me toward was world domination. Borrrrrrrrrrrring. I’d rather have people do my will out of respect, not fear. I think trying to run a world that hates you would be like trying to control a kindgarden class of 6 billion. Not fun. Not that I didn’t go through a phase where I thought it might be nice to have everyone doing things my way… too many cartoons when I was a kid (hmmm, I always did identify more with Cobra than GI Joe heh).
But I am really rambling here…
The sole reason we have to exist is to learn, to experience. Why else would reincarnation exist. Oh, well some will say it’s to reach nirvana or because of karma. I don’t think of reincarnation or final death (as opposed to temporary death) as a reward. You always have the option to come back even if people would consider you “perfect.” That’s the whole Bodhisattva deal.
Anyway, when you die, you become changeless. The only way for change to occur is by living. We live to change, though many close-minded individuals seem incapable of it. When you’re dead, you don’t really change. You can still affect things and learn, but it’s not the same. There’s no synthesis of ideas, no creation or adaptation. There’s no challenge or growth in being dead. That should be apparent. Death is nearly the antithesis of growth, or at least it bars growth in one direction. Only in living and responding to stimuli do you actually change and grow.
When you die, growth in that direction is cut off. You have no choice but to become a seed again.
There’s lots of talk about “going into the light” and meeting people you’ve known in life. I guess that happens to some extent, but if all your loved ones have already been reborn, you’re not going to have much of a welcoming committee. It’s pretty lonely and boring. (My grandfather died and was brought back by doctors. He never saw anything in dying and became an atheist for another year before he died again.)
Some people don’t even wait around to be born again, unless they need time to recover from a particularly traumatic life. I’ve had three different lives (including this one) in the last 100 years, as opposed to the other eight lives spread out over the last couple thousand years. Of course, there could still be many in there that I haven’t remembered yet.
This epiphany on the nature of existence was and is my second reason for not committing suicide. Life is “where it’s at.” As they say -I’ll rest when I’m dead. That’s why I always seem to be doing or planning to do ten things at once. I have a lot to get done before I die again. Not that there’s any ultimate goal in getting all these things I plan done, but knowing that life is about experience and learning gives living a purpose. Even the bad things in life give us the opportunity to change and grow.
Comments (2)
I love when people say stuff like “because he’s God” or “that’s why reincarnation exists” as if it was so obvious.
Really.
Great depth of sharing. Good post. I had a curious thought run rampid through my mind as I was reading your post. “Why is it that so many people do go through some ‘suicide phase’?” Is this a part of our dark night of the soul that eventually illuminates some aspect of life’s journey? Some people are successful with the suicide and others chose not to take the path. I use “successful” only to mean that the thought process lead to the actual act.