October 22, 2007

• On my Vacation

  Every year at this time I take off about a week from work to do some intensive cleaning at home and prepare for our annual yardsale. I hardly ever take a real vacation, that is, going away somewhere. This year was the exception. In August, I went with my family to Chincoteague. I probably won’t do that again. My allergies were just abysmal. And I don’t get along with my family much in close quarters.

  I lie… at the beginning of October, I took off a weekend and dragged my mother to the Landis Valley Harvest festival. I thought she’d like it because they collect and sell heirloom seeds, and she loves to garden. Mostly she just made me feel guilty about making her go to an event she had no interest in. I paid for her to get in, bought her and my nephew lunch, and she actually owed me about $20 which she decided she could keep for gas money. Fair enough…I guess. Any time I try to convince her to come with me on a trip though, it turns into a guilt trip…. She was still whining on our way back until I reminded her how little money she actually spent.

  It would probably be better if I just did not participate in any family outings any more. If I go somewhere they want to go, they get sullen because I don’t enjoy myself as much as they do. Half the time they won’t even stop for meals, even though they know I get low blood sugar and migraines. If they go somewhere with me, or rather if my mother comes somewhere with me, all she can do is make me feel guilty for dragging her somewhere she didn’t want to be and spending money she doesn’t have. I’m really rather tired of being treated like a burden or a child to be humored. I really thought she’d enjoy the harvest festival, but no such luck apparently.

  So every year I take off from work for about a week, mainly for our annual yardsale. This year I only took about half a week because of work issues, but I still got most everything done I set out to do. We have the yardsale at the same time as the Walnutport Canal festival which occurs every year pretty much on our doorstep. It brings in a lot of people without us having to advertise. In fact, there are a lot of people who know we have a yardsale every year. We’re practically another festival event. I display my crafts and old books I no longer want, among other things. My mother sells some antiques and some junk. And we have a family friend who comes in and sets up in our yard as well.

  My mother didn’t do so well selling her stuff as she has in the past. She only made about $25, but I keep track of all the different tills in a notebook and this year she had me split out any children’s stuff that she was selling. That money was for my nephew. So technically, he made $27, which brings her total up to $52, more than anyone else did. Still she saw fit to complain about how little she made this year, as if it was my fault. I don’t think she’s even aware of how much resentment she heaps on me. I must have missed writing something down, because at the end, the till was $4 over. I gave it to her, and then everything was okay or at least better because she had more money.

  My family makes me so tired.

  My mother’s boyfriend is studying to be a trucker. He paid $5000 (which came from my mother) to take a course at the community college so he can get out of roofing. This is why they’ve been so short on money, and whining about it, lately. My mom keeps making comments when we go food shopping or about Christmas presents… as if I’ve asked her for anything. I told her there’s nothing I really want this year, and the things I have named in passing have been really cheap… a new large pot for cooking soup? Hardly an expensive gift idea. And I buy most of my own groceries. Technically with the arrangement we have, I pay the mortgage and they’re supposed to pay everything else. Even so, I usually buy most of my own groceries. I only ask her to buy things that everyone else uses as well. She acts like I don’t contribute at all.

  Next year, they’re hoping to sell the house and move elsewhere. Though probably not too far as my mother doesn’t want to leave the area until her mother has passed on. Since my grandmother is in excellent health and women in my family live into their 90s, we may be here for another decade at least. I really don’t think we’ll be moving any time soon, since my family always makes these grandiose plans that never fall through.

  I love my family, I really do, but maybe it would be better if I didn’t move with them.

  I don’t think they appreciate me. It’s really frustrating to be surrounded by people who make snide comments about me to my face as if I’m taking something from them. We’re supposed to be a family and share. They work hard but seem to feel I don’t. They really have no idea how hard I work at my job, but they know some nights I don’t even get home until midnight or after. That never stops them from waking me up before the sun’s up. They pay their bills, but my contributions are as nothing. I’m the only child who has never asked them for money, got in trouble with the police, or even made many demands upon their time outside of the occasional invite on a trip. Which I’m thinking I should just not do any more because half the time they decide not to go at the last minute and then I’ve taken off from work for nothing since I end up not going either. I stay in my room for the most part and clean up my messes outside my room as I make them, but according to them, I should be cleaning the rest of the house too, even if I never even sit in the living room more than a few minutes in a month because my mother’s boyfriend is camped out on the sofa more often than not.

  I am just tired and discouraged. They make me feel guilty about what little I ask of them. I shouldn’t feel ashamed of trying to be a family. And they wonder why I stay in my room so much… I’m just trying to stay out of their way and not get b****** at.

  I’ve been saving up my money. I initially told them that when we move, I’d have some money to contribute for the down payment, but lately I think I should save it for as long as I can and then buy my own place. They think that I spend too much time in my room now, if we stopped living together, they’d see me (and hear from me) even less. I’m not being malicious. I’m just trying to give them what they seem to want. Every time I try to bring these issues up, my mother tries to make me feel like I’m either crazy or selfish, and while I may be partial to the first by society’s standards, I know I’m not the latter. I just want them to love me as much as I love them, but if they won’t, it would probably be better if I wasn’t here. This is the kind of crap that made me consider suicide in highschool. My sister actually tried to kill herself in highschool by taking a bottle of aspirin…. but no one knows how close I came, not that I think they’d care. More likely than not, they’d just act like I was being overly dramatic or trying to steal a page from my sister’s book. Either way, my sister has always been the favorite because she almost died of pneumonia when she was a baby, and my brother is second favorite because he’s the only boy, and my nephew is the new favorite because he’s the baby. And so I’m nothing because I’m eldest and never almost died (unless you count the three times I almost did or the times they don’t know about when I seriously considered ending my life) and never made a fuss because the others needed my mother more than I seemingly did. But I did need her and I still do and it’s not fair the way they treat me. I mean, neglect is a form of abuse too, and I was definitely neglected as a child. And when I try/tried to be part of the family they make me feel like I should go back to my room or just away.

  And I could probably go on like this for a good while longer, but I think I’m going to just stop here and go to the store before I leave for work. At least I finally have a good job where I don’t mind being. If it wasn’t a half hour away and gas wasn’t so dear, I’d probably spend more time there. Every other job I ever had made me feel even worse than my family does, but working at Borders, I’d rather be there even if it is hard work and I don’t get home till midnight or later. At least they appreciate me there. The people I work with are a better family than the one to which I was born.

  • 10:41 am
  • 5 Comments