October 23, 2007

• I’ve got so many issues I should publish a magazine

  I have a headache today. Probably because I was feeling all mopey yesterday and ate some chocolate ice cream. Which at the very least, at this time of year, I should not have done. First off, I’m allergic to chocolate but I love the stuff. But also, we still haven’t gotten frost yet to kill off all those nasty little allergens in the air and now I have a sinus headache. Figures… I ripped apart my whole room on my vacation to clean and didn’t even get the sniffles from the dust, but I eat a bit of chocolate ice cream and the next day I feel like it went right into my sinuses instead of my thighs like a normal verboten treat should.

  I’ve been going to the gym, and I’ve lost ten pounds so far. That’s kind of cool and makes up for the ice cream a bit, though today I’ve been sucking down lots of cokes for the caffeine to try to kill my headache so that’s not so good. Not to mention the four tylenol I’ve taken since I got up this morning. I should just buy stock in various anodynes and make back my investment for every bottle I buy. I won’t even get to go to the gym this week unless I go down on my day off. I probably will.

  I have to apologize for my whining about my family. I really do try not to. I do love them. Whenever I get whiny like that, I start to feel like I’m being just like them, especially my siblings. They both have issues and have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and depression and my brother’s supposedly got Asperger’s syndrome as well. My mother is always depressed (which I know because I’m an empath even when she doesn’t bring it up about once a week), and I just get so sick of all their whining and so I hate to do it myself. (But sometimes I have to do it just to get it out and stop dwelling on it.) I think that some people use these diagnoses as an excuse to complain and also be lazy. Chances are, I’m also suffering from one or more of these “disorders,” but I don’t want to be like my family or let society tell me there’s something wrong with me. Society, in my opinion, is partially to blame for these things. They’ve done studies with rats that show that overpopulation creates mental disorders. We may be herd animals, but when the herd gets too large it must splinter or feed on itself. Guess which our society is doing… I don’t want to have to take drugs in order to fit into the world like my brother or sit on my butt and bemoan my ineffectuality like my mother. I know that my mental health probably does get in my way a little bit because I am a terrible procrastinator and I also have self-esteem issues… I love to write as can be seen from my extensive posts, but you think I could be bothered to submit anything anywhere? No… I make excuses. Foremost that most places do not want to accept the long pieces I write, which is true but still an excuse. I find I am incapable of writing short stories and no one really wants long stuff unless you’re already someone. I’m probably going to end up like H P Lovecraft, posthumously famous.

  What I should really do is self-publish. I work in a bookstore after all. I’m dead certain my general manager would accept anything I got published, whether the big distributors carried it or not. I’m torn by money issues and too many ideas. Fiction or nonfiction? Horror, scifi, or fantasy…. magick, metaphysical, herbal, or divinations? You tell me… I tried posting a “short” story of some 8000+ words in a protected post here but no one was interested and eventually I erased it. My mother has me completely paranoid about someone stealing my work. She constantly berated me about my webcomic… that I wasn’t getting paid to do it and someone could steal it, blah blah blah… and I haven’t updated that since I got promoted to supervisor at work. I justify that by saying I haven’t got the time, and that I was never a very good artist, and only one person ever seemed to care online… I could make the time if I didn’t continually talk myself out of it.

  I am just tired of being no one. If I could get a little recognition for my skills… a little money to do the things I want, then maybe I could be more proactive… more interested in accomplishing something. I bet a lot of people think that way though… a little money and I can do this, this, and that. A little money and everything would be much better than it is now. Money is only a distraction from the fact that my current mode of living is unhealthy and that I am as much responsible for that as society and my family is. I can’t change the world, but I can change myself and by setting a good example hopefully give others the impetus to change as well. Anytime I criticize my family, it turns into a fight. They don’t want to recognize that there’s anything wrong with the way they act or interact with others. I have to stop blaming them for being ignorant of me. They don’t even really know me so their criticisms of me are flawed from the start.

  • 2:57 pm
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