I followed a link in my footprints to a Xangan named Join the Club. Someone followed my comments on her site from a 2003 post to my site and I followed it back. Sad, really, that she hasn’t posted anything since 2004.

It’s weird how… well, I think that I am a very intelligent and intuitive person. I think I am an extremely talented writer. You all make me think so with your compliments. hee But I post comments on other people’s sites, sometimes only visiting them a few times before they disappear, and then I forget. I forget I was ever there, that I ever commented. Granted, this was a little over four years ago that I would have made my contributions, but still!

I followed the link and read the post. Darned if I could recall having read it before. Then I read the first comment… I thought, WOW, this is really good stuff. It was beautiful and eloquent and I was a bit jealous. Then I got to the bottom of the first comment and I was a little diconcerted to discover, Oh…. I wrote it. It turns out that I was the only person who commented.

The subject, ironically, ties into how I was feeling, have been feeling, for a while with the state of things with my mother and everything else…. helpless, alienated, depressed… Reading the comments I made to Join the Club is like seeing advice left to myself by myself. (It’s still a bit creepy of course.) It’s like an excerpt from my higher consciousness. Finding this makes me think of those PostSecret books where the “author” went around collecting anonymous secrets from people and put them together in a series of books. It makes me think maybe I could go through all my xanga comments, collect them together, and maybe publish them as “Notes from the Higher Consciousness” or something to that affect. I only say my comments because it would be a lot easier to track them, but do you guys ever discover something that you wrote here or elsewhere that blows you away simply because you don’t recall writing it?

exceprt form my comments on Join the Club‘s post:

You want to know is it better to commit suicide of self and conform to the “norms” of society or become a non-conformist and social pariah. Everyone has the potential to rebel if conditions go harsh enough against their insticts and personality.

Statistically speaking more people will be alike than different. More people will conform, whether by nature or by conscious choice, than will rebel. But on the fringes, that is where evolution and innovation takes place. There has to be a fringe or everything becomes meaningless and static.

Any population is like a soap bubble. On the inside is all air pushing outward (the bulk of the population which is homogenous), while on the outside fringes (the individuals), colors and beauty mixes and changes with little more than a soft breath. The inside needs the outside to serve as buffer and inspiration and pushes against it without realizing pushing too hard will break them. The outside needs the inside for stability and strength, but resents the pressure they place on it. Too harsh a gust of air and the bubble pops as the pressures change. There is nothing wrong with being on the inside or outside. The problem only lies in finding what is right for the individual.

*

If you want, if it makes it easier, instead of seeing time as a straight horizontal line, see it as a slanting line going from high to low. We fall away from the past and fall toward the future. We are constantly falling toward the future just like walking is a controled form of falling.

There is no present because by the time you reflect upon it, it’s already the past. You can plan for the future, but only as you fall toward it, like seeing yourself falling from the highdive and knowing as you fall, you can angle into a dive and go gracefully or just fall and find yourself in a bodyflop. Or you can do a cannon ball and make a lot of noise and splash.

**

You’re right in that we only have our senses and memory to guide us. These are the tools we’re given to experience the world. It is in trying to understand our perceptions that we make new memories and have new ideas about how reality fits together.

But there are other senses, and yes plants have senses but we have no name for them. We can only study phenomena and propose theories. We study how other creatures sense their environment and adapt our science to mimic it. We can’t sense everything or know everything from the Past, but we are falling toward the Future, planning for it and eagerly waiting to know more.

February 29th
(Yay! Leap Year! There’s just something cool about a day that only occurs once every four years)

Added to keep the calendar in line with the solar year, this is a day for women to propose marriage, a custom formalized in 1288 by Scottish Parliament.

I did not give my mom the note that I wrote.

This is mostly because I got sick the very next day. Now, days later, it would be mean to dredge up something that she feels is settled. We are going to go on our trip on the 6th of March again, even though I went and asked for the 13th off the very next day. This is what happens everytime I make a big deal out of something. She ends up rearranging everything to make me happy, but she falls short of understanding why I got upset. It is so frustrating, but more than anything, it makes me tired. I shouldn’t have to pitch a fit for her to treat me like my plans and my desires are just as important to her as the desires of her other children. If she makes plans with me, she shouldn’t change her mind to spend time with someone else. If she doesn’t want to spend time with me, she should just finally tell me so once and for all. Not try to placate me when I steal a page from my brother or sister’s book and have a tantrum for her attention. It shouldn’t be that I only get her attention when I behave badly.

I’m sure that I bring a lot of it on myself because I have always been the responsible child who gives way for the sake of the others, but really I don’t understand why I should have to act like a child to get her to show me any affection or consideration. When I was three and my sister was one and half, my mother ran away from our father and left us with our grandmothers. Then my father came and took us away, not because he loved us, but to hurt her more. He left us in a foster-home where I was abused. I don’t know if anything happened to my sister, though I tend to doubt it; she was still a baby. I was three, going on four though; I was already talking and walking and had no reason to keep my displeasure to myself. Apparently as one point, they tried to take me to church and when I resisted, they pulled out a chunk of my hair. I don’t remember this. I was told by my mother a long time ago. Most of the things I know about my early childhood are things I was told, by my mother. I know she feels a lot of guilt over what happened then, and I am loathe to contribute to her guilt with how she treats me now. On the other hand, I think she avoids being with me sometimes because it reminds her of how she abandoned us. My sister was still a baby when she came back. My sister and I both have abandonment issues, but we deal with them differently. My sister was too young to realize that mommy wasn’t there; all she recalls is that daddy was never around so she is drawn to men who she constantly tries to redeem. Me, I don’t have any specific memories, but my mother says that when she came back, I was a different child, full of anger. To some extent, I think I have managed to quench that anger, but it has definitely shaped who I am. I have definite trust issues. I don’t cleave to anyone. Unlike my sister, I will not try to replace our absent parents. (Even though I interact with my mother on a daily basis, she is largely absent in my life, from childhood neglect to adult disinterest.) I don’t expect anyone to give me anything and I never try to take anything from anyone if they are unwilling to give or share, but I do expect people to stand by their word and do what they say they will do. Liars disgust me. It’s not just disgust. It’s like a pathological repugnance. I don’t want anything to do with people who cannot be who they make a pretence of being. If a person presents themselves one way and then acts in the opposite way, I have no interest in having a relationship with them…

… except when it comes to my mother it seems. Maybe because, unlike my father, she is at least approachable. She’s more into passive-aggressive tactics, too eager to please everyone that she goes from person to person like a butterfly, ignoring all their faults providing their needs are not too disruptive to her life. I’m the oldest child. My sister had pneumonia as a baby and almost died. Actually, she went into convulsions and was put on medicine that can effect brain chemistry. My brother, son of a different father, also almost died as a toddler. He swallowed a whole grape and choked. He wasn’t breathing for three minutes. I am the only child who never had a near death experience (unless you count the number of times I’ve fallen down the stairs). In my mother’s mind, I think that makes her other two children more needful of her attention than me. I’m not jealous of them, but I do think that she allows the fact that they almost died to color her perception of them. The more they want, the more she gives, whether they actually need her or not. Not once has either one of them stood back and actually looked at how they interact with her or other people. They are much too self-absorbed to ever be self-aware. They are both apt to blame everyone else for their hardships before they would ever look to themselves.

My mother asked me why I keep getting sick (I’ve been sick three times in the last four weeks), and I said, “I don’t know…. stress?” I don’t sleep well between my noisy neighbors and my nephew being here more days than he’s not. Work is stressful, just being a supervisor. Taxes are stressful… I keep putting off making an appointment. There’s a tremendous crack in my windshield, but my car doesn’t go in for inspection until May.

Any Buffy the Vampire Slayer fans here? There was one episode where Buffy was poisoned and started having “hallucinations” of actually being in a psychiatric hospital. They were telling her that her entire “life” as a vampire slayer where she was needed and valued was a delusion and that they were trying to help her stay in the “real world” with their drug regimen. In the end, she decided to gamble by going back to the “delusional” world where she was no one’s burden. I was just thinking how nice it would be if I could create a delusional world of my own, where even if the trials were sometimes too much to bear, at least there were people who depended upon me and made me feel needed, where I was necessary. Sometimes I feel like a hanger-on in my own life. Like if I disappeared, no one would know the difference. Some might even be relieved that I was gone.

I’m not suicidal. I have been in the past, but I just wanted to reassure you. I’m not saying I couldn’t be in the future, but I’m okay…. just reflecting on my state of mind here. This blog is my attempt at catharsis. I’m probably just depressed because I’m sick again. Heck, I may have only had my tantrum over my mother’s attempted change of plans because I was already getting sick and didn’t know it.

February 25th

Today is sacred to Nut, an Egyptian sky goddess.

February 26th

This is Hygeia’s Day in North Africa.

This the 13th day of Parmutit, an Egyptian holy day honoring Mut and Nut.

February 27th

Mira Bai, an Indian princess, mystic and poetess (c. 1500) is honored today.

February 28th

Kalevala Day is celebrated in Finland. It marks the publication of the Kalevala, the Finnish national epic.

Merriddyn Dydd, the Day of Merriddyn, begins at sundown.

Buddha’s Conception is celebrated today in Tibet.

My mother and I had a “fight” today. Basically she told me that we will not be going on a little shopping trip on the 6th, even though it’s been planned for two weeks and I asked off from work. I’ve said it before, and I said it again tonight, that every time I plan a trip, something happens.

Well, she refuses to see it and I even pointed out how badly it went the last time we went somewhere on a trip together in October. She said, “I don’t know what you remember. I thought we had a nice time.” She doesn’t remember how whiney she was about money, how she guilt tripped me about dragging her off to somewhere she didn’t want to go.

So I wrote this letter and even cut and pasted some of my blog from October about the previous trip…. But I can’t decide if I should print it. I want her to know how I feel because I can’t talk about it without crying. I don’t know what to do anymore. Everything I say, she just dismisses. I feel like she couldn’t possibly feel less for me. It’s not just this trip, it’s anytime I try to have any “quality” time with her. It’s always my brother, my sister, my nephew, her boyfriend, or even my grandma who she needs to spend time with… never me, or at least, never just me. She said she’s sorry she has obligations (in exactly that tone), in regards to why we cannot now go. Her obligation is that she has to mind my nephew because my sister made plans to go to a concert and supposedly my mother forgot about it. More likely, she put off telling my sister about our plans until the last minute (today) and in the meantime, my sister made her own plans, taking for granted that my mom would babysit,
Or my sister made her plans despite ours simply because she knew my mother would cave (and thus only informed my mother today after her plans were made),
Or my mother neglected to discuss it with my sister at all and then my sister asked her to babysit on the 6th and my mother said sure without thinking of our plans and then couldn’t back out when she did recall (probably only when I arrived home) and figured it would be just peachy with me.
It hardly matters that it’s my birthday on the 3rd and that I basically will not be having any kind of celebration anywhere near my birthday… because my mother has obligations.

Jeez, I can’t even read over my letter below without crying again. If she reads it, is she going to think I’m just being selfish because it’s my birthday? None of us kids could ever have a birthday without one or the other trying to ruin it or having a hissy fit. When I was nine, I started buying presents for my siblings with my birthday money just so they wouldn’t act like brats and pitch a fit. Now I feel like my mother is going to think I’m having a birthday temper tantrum just like my brother and sister used to. I’m the one who always steps back and makes way for the others, so when I try to assert myself, then I feel like the bad guy. On their birthdays, I always made myself as scarce as possible so they’d have no reason to resent me and still she criticized me way back then, saying that I was sulking because they were getting all the attention. I withdrew so they could have all the attention, not because I wanted it.

Letter to my mom:

I wrote this on my blog about our trip to Landis Valley back in October…..

At the beginning of October, I took off a weekend and dragged my mother to the Landis Valley Harvest festival. I thought she’d like it because they collect and sell heirloom seeds, and she loves to garden. Mostly she just made me feel guilty about making her go to an event she had no interest in. I paid for her to get in, bought her and my nephew lunch, and she actually owed me about $20 which she decided she could keep for gas money. Fair enough…I guess. Any time I try to convince her to come with me on a trip though, it turns into a guilt trip…. She was still whining on our way back until I reminded her how little money she actually spent.

It would probably be better if I just did not participate in any family outings any more. If I go somewhere they want to go, they get sullen because I don’t enjoy myself as much as they do. Half the time they won’t even stop for meals, even though they know I get low blood sugar and migraines. If they go somewhere with me, or rather if my mother comes somewhere with me, all she can do is make me feel guilty for dragging her somewhere she didn’t want to be and spending money she doesn’t have. I’m really rather tired of being treated like a burden or a child to be humored. I really thought she’d enjoy the harvest festival, but no such luck apparently.

………………………..

This is how you made me feel. This is how you always make me feel. I know you don’t mean to do it, but you do it ALL the time and I let it slide and I don’t say anything. I go out of my way to find things we can do together and then it NEVER works out. Something always, ALWAYS comes up. And then either we reschedule or I have to WHINE until I get my own way. I shouldn’t have to whine. I hardly ever ask you for anything because I don’t want to feel like I am bothering you. I don’t want to ask for anything because chances are I won’t get it and if I do, you’ll make me feel like an ASS for asserting myself. It always seems like everything else you GIVE to Jen or Dan, I have to work for. I try not to be a burden or take anything from ANY of you, but you make me feel like you’d be happier if I just went away.

We can go to Reading on the 13^th. But I don’t care because I feel like you’d rather be doing anything else but spend time with me. It’s not a matter of going out to dinner or going to Reading on any specific date. It’s that I always try to make plans to include you and then everything gets turned around so I feel like I am imposing on you… because my plans don’t MEAN anything to you… because MY plans are NEVER your plans…. because my plans can always be postponed…. because I will understand and let other family members take precedence. Because the others NEED you more than me.

We can go to Reading whenever you want to go to Reading, and David can come or not, whatever you want. I only tried to include him because I figured it would make you happy, or happier than if it was just you and I. You have more in common with him than me anyway and I was trying to ensure you’d have a good time and not be selfish and keep you all for myself.  I’m SORRY.

So… that’s it. Please give me your opinions. It’s obvious I can’t talk to her, but do you think this letter would do more harm than good?

Law of Relative Truth

Everything is real in one sense, false in one sense, and meaningless in one sense. This is a function of one’s vantage point (worldview). In the words of Hassan Ibn Sabbah, “Nothing is true. Everything is permissible.” It is possible for a concept or act to violate the truth patterns of a given personal universe and still be “true,” provided that it “works” in a specific situation.

This law is closely allied to Law VI: the Law of Paradox and Law I: The Law of World views. Essentially, it allows personal worldviews to overlap and interact with the nominal universe which underlies all other existences, bridging the gap between Laws I and VI.

According to Law I, there are two kinds of Truth in the cosmos, one Absolute, the other Relative. The Absolute Truth is the unchanging and eternal tao which underlies the world(s) we know. Relative truth, or what we consider reality, is faceted by the perceptions and desires of individual wills. It is ever changing but illusory. It is only real to those who have conscious awareness of it or give it credence.

The Law of Relative truth pertains to the power of suggestion. For instance, if someone tells you that you have been cursed, and you believe you have been cursed, then your belief lends truth to the existence of the curse. If on the other hand, you choose not believe in the power of the curse, you have the power to negate its effects. This Law also affects divination and visions of the future in what is refered to as a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you are made aware of a possible future, that future is more likely to come to pass because you know of its possibility, especially if you adopt a defeatist attitude of waiting for it to come to pass.

Looked at in another way, talking about a ghost or spirit gives power to that spirit to interact within the parameters of your worldview. If someone is told that a house is haunted, even if they say they do not believe in ghosts, any doubt they may silently harbor gives a real (or imagined) spirit a window into the world of the observer. This spirit may be created by the belief of the observer, or it may in fact be a spirit which uses the parameters of the belief to clothe itself in the trappings of our reality. Even if they do not know a house may or may not be haunted, the fact that someone believes the house to be haunted allows anything there to make itself known.

This also applies to Thought-forms (also called Tulpas, servitors, egrigors, golems). Essentially, you can create a spiritual entity with the power of your belief. In the 1970s, The Toronto Society Of Psychical Research experimented with the concept of thought-forms, creating a spirit named Philip. They were extremely successful, though the groups were never able to explain the results of their experiment scientifically. Too bad magical laws are inadmissible in scientific arguments! Though this experiment was performed simply to ascertain “scientifically” whether it could be done, in magick, thought-forms or Tulpas can be given various tasks beyond simple séance-type interaction. Thought-forms can be asked to ward a place, person, or thing, to attack enemies psychically, gather information, help with an upcoming test… essentially a thought-form can do nearly any task you set for it within the parameters of the abilities you initially envisioned.

Previous
Axioms of Magick: Laws I & II
Axioms of Magick Law III

February 24th

The Shivaratri, Shiva’s Night, is a Hindu celebration honoring the god of destruction and renewal. It is celebrated today (or on the 19th) with a day of total fasting, followed by an all night vigil at the shrines of Shiva where the celebrants watch the flames of small oil lamps.

On this day in the year 1582, our calendar was reformed yet again, moving New Year’s Day from March 25th to January 1st.

I don’t have time to post my typically long blog today, I have to be at work relatively early, but I figure that just allows me to devote this entire post to a petition.

As some of you may be aware, many countries of the world still single out women as Witches and kill them. The truth is that very few of these women actually practice anything even remotely resembling witchcraft. Most are used as scapegoats to take their property or to simply get them out of the way if they are considered a burden. While it’s difficult for any of us to do anything about this widespread problem, occassionally an opportunity comes our way to at least try to help an individual.

In a letter dated February 13, 2008, Christopher Wilcke, a researcher with Human Rights Watch, exhorted King Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz Al Saud to halt the execution of Fawza Falih Mumammad Ali. The letter stated she was sentenced to death by beheading for the crimes of witchcraft, recourse to Jinn, and animal slaughter. Human Rights Watch argued that Falih should not be executed because the crime of witchcraft is not defined by Saudi law, the judges failed to ensure a fair trial, and Falih was unable to defend herself because of “significant procedural flaws throughout the trial”.

There are a couple petitions floating around, but if you would like to help convince King Abdullah to grant a stay of execution for Fawza, here is a link you can follow to sign one of the petitions. Please let other people know as well.

February 23rd

Terminalia was the last festival of the Roman year. Honoring Terminus, the god of boundaries and frontiers, neighbors would meet where their fields adjoined to bedeck the stone boundary markers, termini, with garlands and make offerings of corn, honey, and wine. Anyone who accidentally or intentionally moved these stones was accursed.

I’m kind of hoping that when I call work in a couple hours, they’ll tell me not to come in due to the weather. It’s been snowing off and on since before I woke up this morning, and it’s supposed to change to freezing rain tonight. So maybe they’ll close early and simply tell me to stay home rather than come in for two hours and leave. I’ll still go out and shovel out my car in an hour, but I really don’t like driving around in potentially deadly weather. I don’t understand people that have to go to the mall during bad weather. I don’t understand how they can risk their lives to hang out and spend money and therefore risk my life in the process since if I don’t go to work to serve their needs, I may not have a job to go to when the weather is fine. I mean, am I missing something here?

Is it just me, or have movies been for crap lately? Maybe it’s just that the kind of movies I like have been in short supply. I like comedy, sci-fi, and horror. The only one I’ve been interested in seeing is Spiderwick, even though I’ve heard it didn’t get such good reviews. On the other hand, that’s mostly because people have been trying to compare it to Harry Potter. Well, that’s okay by me then… I didn’t really like the Harry Potter movies, especially not the last one which seemed to take vignettes from the book, and viola! movie. No, I’m sorry. It just doesn’t work that way. That’s called a collage.

I dreamed last night about marrying a Hobbit or marrying some guy and living in a Hobbit village and then I had to go to Disney World to make a complaint because Disney was sending troops in to take over the village…. But they wouldn’t let me in to complain because I wasn’t a card carrying Disney character. Then I was walking down a half-washed out causeway… and when I got back to the village it was deserted. I also dreamed I got sick and called into work… so I guess maybe I was already inclined not to work today before I even woke up to a winter wonderland.

I guess I’m still in a whiny mood from yesterday. I’m gonna go read stuff.

Edit: I did not in fact have to go to work today. Yay!

2nd Edit: This just in….  ‘Pagan’ has taken yet another turn and is now used in some circles as a compliment. Among a growing number of people, ‘Pagan’ now means ‘post-Christian religionist who is attempting to rescue reverence for nature from the hands of evil Judeo-Christian earth rapists.
                                          choke…. splutter…. bwahahahahahahaah
                                          okay I’m sorry, but seriously! That is the single-most amusing sentence I have ever read. I could practically draw a cartoon based on that sentence. Just the term “evil Judeo-Christian earth rapists” is funny as heck. I’m wondering, is this a sub-cult of Christianity? I’m picturing a bunch of monks trying to stick their “things” in the dirt while trees with cartooney faces look on apalled. I’m sorry! Really! I’m just sick in the head. Gah, now I’m picturing a couple of raccoons in police uniforms leading the crazy earth rapists away in handcuffs, maybe the earth on a couch talking to a therapist…. I think it’s time I signed off for the night.

February 22

The Roman festival of Charista, Caristia, or Cara Cognatio (from the word cara “dear” kinsfolk) is a feast of favor and good will in honor of the goddess Concordia. Disputes between family and friends are settled today and presents were given with the intent of reconciling friends and relations. Near relations come to honor the familial deities, the Lares, with offerings of incense and food. This holiday also serves to strengthen family bonds. After so many days of honoring the dead, the celebrants rejoice in the living.

Sybil Leek (1923-1983) was born today. Sybil Leek was an English Witch, a gifted psychic, astrologer, and prolific author who wrote more than 60 books on such subjects as Astrology, Numerology and Reincarnation. She was born with a witch’s mark and claimed to be a hereditary witch of Irish and Russian descent. Her entire family was involved in astrology and some of the guests who visited her childhood home included H.G. Wells, Lawrence of Arabia and Aleister Crowley.

Actually, coffee frog suggests you never insult a witch’s cooking! hehe

But anyway, not much to report today. For lunch, my mom brought home salads from a new restaurant that opened nearby called Saladworks. We stopped at one on vacation last year, and now we have one of our own. Yummy! I could eat salad all the time, and maybe I will now that I can buy a ready made salad that’s big enough for three to four meals depending upon what I add at home. (I’m eating my second serving of salad right now!)

Weird though… they don’t have celery, sprouts, radishes, purple cabbage, or snow peas, but they do have three different lettuce bases, cheese, hardboiled eggs, and meat…. For a healthy alternative, they sure don’t have many healthy alternatives…. but I guess they have to lure in the carnivores somehow. My mother said maybe it’s just because they’re newly opened and so they may change some of their salad additions with time and suggestions. My salad had the three different lettuce bases, carrots, tomatoes, and broccoli. I added more broccoli, radishes, and celery when my mom brought it home.

After lunch, my mother helped me put henna in my hair, all the while complaining that she was going to miss her soaps (which weren’t on for another hour). Blegh… I don’t understand the appeal of soap operas. I have enough melodrama at work and home. I’d rather read or watch cartoons or something. I mean, is there something wrong with me? I’m a 33 year old woman and would rather watch cartoons than a soap opera. I’m such a nerd.

Now my hair has dried and there are no more white hairs. Yay! And it’s all soft and curly, curly, curly. I used a liquid henna solution called Surya Henna which is made in Brazil. Last time I used henna, it was dry stuff that I had to mix with hot water and spread on my hair in a paste. That was fun (not).This liquid stuff was a lot easier to use, but just now looking at the ingredients (hidden on the bottom of the box)…. it’s got some chemicals and synthetic dyes in it, which you wouldn’t think would be in there if you read the rest of the box (they list all the natural ingredients along the side of the box), and there’s some citric acid (last ingredient). Citric acid is something I’m allergic to. Most shampoos have it and it makes my hair fall out if I use them too much. That’s how I got into the habit of washing my hair only every other day, though I use a moisturizing Dove shampoo which has no citric acid. Of course, there still might actually be citric acid in the Dove shampoo (since some of their other shampoos have it), but just at amounts too low to tell the world about. I’ve been down That road before. Stupid allergies.

Well, I didn’t see too many loose hairs wash away down the drain when I washed the henna out, so I’m probably not going to lose any more than that. Still I’m a bit miffed about the unnatural  natural dye, about a plain-jane salad from a place called “salad works,” and about my mom’s soaps being more important than doing something for me for a half hour. I have white splotches on my scalp where you can see she didn’t put any henna at all. I bought two boxes because I have a lot of hair. Would it have killed her to be thorough and use both bottles? No, she assured me I didn’t need the second. Just because my sister was bringing my nephew over in two hours was no reason to act like I was bothering her. If my sister and nephew are no bother to her, why should I be?

Beh… letting it go now. She doesn’t even realize how she treats me. She’s always so concerned about my sister or my brother, but I’m like nothing to her. She gives them money, but takes from me. The only reason she brought me a salad was because she owed me $11 for something I picked up for her for my nephew. You don’t buy someone lunch and then tell them you don’t owe them money any more. I mean, if we had discussed it or if I had been there, okay I probably would have bought my own, but just informing someone that buying them lunch negates a debt…That’s not right. Even if she is my mom. It’s rude.

Okay… now I’m really letting it go… mostly.

February 21st

Some sources say Feralia lasted for one day only, which is variously stated as the 17th and 21st. Others extend it over a period of 11 days, from the night of the 8th to the day of the 18th. Instituted by Numa Pompilius, this is the last day of Mania and Parentalia. Family reunions are held and the Lares, the ancestral spirits guarding homes, are honored. This is the Roman All Souls’ Day, during which each household makes offerings at the graves of its dead. The spirits of the dead are abroad in the world and hover over their graves. Food and goods are left to appease them. Mania takes part in the festivals of the Compitalia and the Feralia.

The 8th day of Parmutit is the Day of counting the parts of the eye of Horus.

Hey! Look! I finally updated my Free Range Poetry and recommended site(s) of the month. It’s only been like two months since I last did it. heh I couldn’t figure out how to get into my custom module from the new Xanga interface, so I had to go to the old one and luckily found it there. Good thing it’s still available.

Not much of a post today. I have to go to work in a little while, and I’ll pretty much have to go right to bed when I get home so I can be up in time to get to work on time tomorrow. 6AM… blech. No one should be required to get up before the sun for any reason. I have no problem staying up until the sun rises, but getting up before it, is just obscene. I skim it as close to leaving as possible. I get up an hour before I have to be at work. I shower the night before. So all I have to do in the morning is roll out of bed, get dressed, unknot my hair, and make my lunch.

I haven’t been to the gym since I was so sick and everytime I was going to go since, we had really nasty weather. Since it takes me a half hour to get home in good weather, I didn’t want to futz around and run the chance of getting caught in a bad storm in the dark. I drive well, but there are lots of crazy, aggressive drivers on the road. So tomorrow I will be going to the gym after work. I am sure I’m going to feel it later, but I feel fat now. I need to go to the gym and unfatten myself.

So here are today’s holy days, and tomorrow’s (just in case I am incapacitated by overzealous health-related activities).

February 19th

This is the seventh day of Parentalia.

February 20th

This is the eighth day of Parentalia.

The Society for Psychical Research was founded in London in 1882.

On the 7th day of Parmutit, Min Goes Forth in festivity.

As this day is sacred to the Goddess Tacita, Dea Muta, the goddess of silence, I’ll tackle Socrates Cafe‘s first question:

  Does silence have a practical value?

My mother always said that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all.

Another old adage goes:

A wise old owl sat on an oak.
The more he saw, the less he spoke.
The less he spoke, the more he heard.
Now why aren’t we all like that wise old bird?

If nothing else, a shut mouth stops you from sticking your foot in it.

Silence, as they say, is golden… so get rich quick!
(another one from my mother)

Loose lips sink ships.

Silence is often taken for granted in our society. Everyone wants to be heard and acknowledged. Some scholars say that the goddessTacita is the personification of the terror of obscurity. If this is true, then she must be the goddess of our age; so many people seem to be afraid they’ll be forgotten unless they add their two cents worth, even when their two cents is worth less than a cent.

A lot can be learned from biting your tongue. When you stop talking and start listening, you start to hear things that people don’t really mean to reveal. When you’re quiet, people start to forget you’re even there.

I once went a week without saying a word and no one noticed. Nothing went unsaid… someone else was there to say it. I learned to speak when asked to. There’s no need to include yourself in a conversation; someone will invariably ask for your input. People seek you out if you are a “good listener” who can “keep a secret.” They respect your opinion because you are obviously a “deep thinker.” 

Silence is the armor that protects you from both your own folly and the folly of others. Though it is true that failure to speak when the time is right can be disasterous, you will never know when the time has come if you have not learned to listen. It is impossible to hear fate whispering in your ear if your mouth is constantly on the go.

February 18th

The Zoroastrian festival of Spenta Armaiti Spandarmat, the Festival of Cultivators or Festival of Women, is a Persian festival.

Copernicus was born today in 1473. He was called a fool for his claims that the earth revolved around the sun.

On the sixth day of the Parentalia and beginning of Feralia, offerings are left at the tombs. The souls of the dead are appeased with small gifts brought to the extinguished pyres. The dead value piety more than any costly gift. Such gifts might include a tile wreathed with votive garlands, a sprinkling of corn, a few grains of salt, bread soaked in wine, or some loose violets. These offerings are set on a potsherd in the middle of the road, and prayers and the appropriate words are said at hearths set up for the purpose. From this time until the 21st, Tacita, the silent Goddess (Dea Muta) is honored. She is also called Lara, mother of the Lares. She is asked to bind hostile speech and unfriendly words.

Home is Where the Heart is

32.1: Define “Home”: What do you think of when you hear the word “home”?

…safety, security, protection, retreat, asylum….
Home is where I can deal with the world on my own terms, via the internet or television, or not deal with the world at all by reading a book. I don’t really like the world much, and from experience I know the world (or people) don’t really care for me, so home is where the world can’t get me, where I can do my own thing without being criticized or mocked. You might not be able to tell from this blog, but I am really very shy. I’m not your standard issue kind of girl. I’m not cookie cutter at all. I don’t even try to be like other people or hide behind the mask of conformity. But because I insist upon being myself and not falling into the cult of popularity, it takes a lot of energy to get through a day outside in the human world.

So home is where I am safe from judgement and secure in an environment that is defined by me. Home is a private part of my identity where I am invisible. It is more than just a shelter. It is a place that renews my sense of self and revives my waning ability to stand apart from the herd.

And it’s where I keep all my books.

32.2: Away From Home: How far have you travelled?

Physically, not far. I live in Pennsylvania and though we’ve moved approximately eight times since I was born, it’s always been in the same area. I’ve travelled as far south as Virginia and as far west as Illinois and Kentucky, but that’s about it. If I had my way, I wouldn’t be living in America any more, but until I make some major cash, I guess this is where I’m stuck. I’d really love to live in Canada or Australia.

Mentally I am a traveller of both time and space (best stanza EVER). In my books, I’ve travelled to the four corners of the earth, back and forth through time, and into other worlds. Emotionally, my life’s been one big rollercoaster. If you had asked the teenaged me if I’d ever manage to reach 33, I probably would have laughed. In highschool I considered suicide, and no one got me through that but myself. If I hadn’t gotten angry with the people who were hurting me and decided to live to spite them, I probably wouldn’t be here now. So I guess I’ve come a long, long way from then. I don’t let what people think of me dictate my behavior any more, and I don’t sacrifice my own happiness just to put others at ease. I like who I am, and that’s good enough for me, even if it isn’t enough for others.

32.3: Homework: What are your “chores”? How do you contribute to your household? If you don’t contribute, what constitutes the “homework” you do around the house, if any?

Well, aside from paying rent and buying my own groceries (I still live with my parents and they own the house, so I guess these things could be considered “chores”) I also empty and refill the dishwasher because my stepdad is a slob and never cleans up after himself. heh I do whatever laundry is sitting next to the washer when I bring my own down from my room to wash. I clean up the kitchen in general because there is always something lying out that could be put away. I don’t really have any assigned chores. I just do what needs to be done at the time.

February 16th

Losar, the Tibetan New Year, is celebrated with shows, parades, and archery contests. Before Losar, the monks drive out the evil influences of the old year with a Devil Dance. Dressing in brilliant silk and huge, grotesque masks, they dance for hours until a sorcerer succeeds with a spell against the demons.

Galileo (1520-1591) was born on this day.

This is the fourth day of the Parentalia.

February 17th

The Hindus believe that Kali Yuga, or the Evil Age, began on this day in the year 3102 BC. This is considered the last and most sinful of all the four ages of man and is supposed to continue for 432,000 years at which time the world will be destroyed by the goddess Kali. The cycle will then begin again with the Krita Yuga, the Golden Age of Truth.

This is the fifth day of the Parentalia. An old proverb says, “The oven is the mother.” Fornacalia is a Roman festival of bread, ovens, and the oven goddess Fornax. In Roman mythology, she and her holy day play an important role in connection with the national bread, the Far. Fornacalia also helps plants in their coming growing season, and plants should be tended with extra care on this day.