December 13, 2008
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WCFQ 27b: Who needs a therapist; I have Xanga
Call it a clan, call is a network,
call it a tribe, call it a family,
Whatever you call it, whoever you are,
you need one. -Jane Howard
Do you agree with this quote?
Geekgirl8
I had never heard of Jane Howard before reading this quote. Having looked her up and read more of her quote/work, I am surprised by how much I agree with her.
Very few people are actually antisocial or misanthropic. It takes years of abuse and neglect before someone can claim either. I’m an introvert (though from what I’ve heard, I wasn’t when I was younger), but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave companionship. I like to know that my family, tribe, clan or what have you, is around when I need it. I like to know that I am part of something more than just myself. So long as I know that I am part of something more, I can feel safe in my pursuits knowing I have a safety net or a security blanket.
This is part of what frustrates me about my family because I often don’t feel like my blood relatives concern themselves much with my aspirations (or failure to achieve them). Whenever my sister or brother or now stepdad have needed money, my mother has found a way to get it. Seeing the burden placed upon her, I have tried to provide for myself. So maybe it is somewhat my own fault that when I do need help, she’s not there for me. Without getting into specific amounts, the money she’s shelled out for my siblings and my stepdad is… significant. But if I want to open my own business, the financial burden lays squarely on my shoulders and nowhere else. She’s been quite clear about that, while at the same time saying she’d help me out if I managed to open a store so long as I paid her. Now I don’t care about the money aside from the fact that I need some, but her attitude really hurts. It makes me feel like I am not as much a part of the family as the others because she’s made it pretty clear that I would have to pay her for her help. It’s enough to make me antisocial and misanthropic….
Solitude and isolation makes people grow strange. We are herd/pack animals, social creatures by design. We are compelled by instinct to congregate and share resources, to protect and support each other. I sometimes wonder if I am adopted or was switched at birth. As first born, am I still paying for everyone’s misplaced hatred of my abusive father after all these years? Why is it so hard for me to get what I want? It’s not as if I wouldn’t give back to the family… who else have I to spend my money on?
Clan, network, tribe, family, I need one. I need to feel like I am striving for more than just myself and that if I fail, I still have their support. Right now, I don’t feel like I have any support from my family. If I lost my job and couldn’t find another, well, I live at home, but I pay rent. My mother’s made it clear that if I didn’t pay rent, I wouldn’t be welcome, but half the time she pays my brother’s. They couldn’t care less about my aspirations. And because they don’t care about what I care about, I have to wonder how much they care about me. I wonder sometimes if I am being selfish and I try not to be, but there’s no way to not compare myself to the other people in my family, what they have and receive, and how I am treated differently.
In a way, my family is the foundation of my social schism. I can’t connect with my family so I tend to doubt the sincerity of people outside of it. After all, if you can’t trust your family to “have your back,” how can you trust strangers or “friends?” It begins to grind down on your feelings of self-worth when in a society of billions, you have no close emotional bonds. Apparently the people in my family are “worth” many thousands of dollars to my mother, but I would have to pay her for her time if I want her help. It makes me wonder what’s wrong with me. Why am I so worthless?
I’m sure I’ll get responses to this saying I am not worthless and there’s nothing wrong with me, but I’m not fishing. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me. I don’t think I’m worthless. I just wonder what it is about me that makes me wrong and worthless in my mother’s eyes. Because the way she and the others treat me has a very real impact on how I interact with the world and to some degree how I view myself. It also explains why I get so annoyed with whiny family members because I don’t feel like I’m allowed to complain like they do. I don’t get the sympathy… I don’t have the benefit of being comforted or feeling sheltered by the existence of my family. Call it a clan, call is a network, call it a tribe, call it a family, Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.Everyone needs to know they belong somewhere, and from there, you can go anywhere. Every day, I feel like I am scraping a shelter from the solid rock of a mountainside, and there’s precious little protection from the elements in the space I’ve managed to make for myself. In the valley below, there’s a whole town where I’m just not welcome.
December 13th
St. Lucy’s day, also called Little Yule, is a festival of lights in Sweden. The eldest daughter of each family is dressed in white and crowned with pine twigs and candles. She brings coffee to her parents in bed and is later given the seat of honor at a brightly lit breakfast. The Celts call it Gwyl o Golau.
The Fates, the Benevolent Ones, the Eumenides, the Moerae, and the Parcae are honored today.
This day is called Kolo-hajime in Japan, ‘the beginning of things,’ because preparations for New Year begin today. These include housecleaning, decorating, and the pounding of rice for cakes (mochi). Presents of money are made to servants at this time of year.
The 28th of Tybi commemorates Thoth’s taking the oath.
Comments (8)
Are you the oldest child?
@heidenkind - Yeah…
Yeah… I get pretty much the same thing from my mom. She doesn’t make me pay rent and she and my dad have helped me out financially when I needed it, but in the end it comes down to the fact that I’m expected to be independent, responsible, focused, and a workaholic; while the younger sibling will forever be “the baby.” He doesn’t have any of the expectations that I always felt like I had as a kid. He gets ten times more than I ever got–both materially and attention-wise–for ten percent of the work. My dad told me straight out the other night that he doesn’t expect my little brother to make anything of himself in the future, and he’ll be happy if the kid graduates from high school, let alone gets a decent job; then he took off of work the next day to drive the bro and his friends, on a school day, up to the mountains so they could go snowboarding. And guess who paid for that. *rolls eyes*
Basically, I try not to let it bother me. :/
I’m here if you need someone to talk to. I use to fret some about not being able to trust the majority of my family. I know that the burden does not lie upon me but with them for doing the things that led up to me mistrusting them. I have a second comment to make for you and heidenkind. I hope that it can help you both. {{{Hugs}}}
@harmony0stars - @heidenkind - I don’t think that problem lies within either of you or that it should affect your self-worth. Maybe your mothers have NPD. That would explain a lot. My hubben went through the same thing… also the eldest child… and he was stunned to come across this disorder. (He found forums on the subject.) When reading about it he said they could have been written about his life. It is the same for me, to some degree, with my mother. Only with me it gets worse as she gets older.
You can’t control the way others behave but maybe this will help you to understand what’s going on, if that is what is going on. I hope that you both find some peace. I know that sometimes it can be hard. I don’t think that I’m expressing myself well. For this I apologize.
So seeing as though this is my first time visiting your site, I think it’s fair to say that I don’t know you in the slightest.
What I found particularly humbling, though, is that I DO know where you’re coming from here. Truly, I could not have said it better myself:
”In a way, my family is the foundation of my social schism. I can’t connect with my family so I tend to doubt the sincerity of people outside of it. After all, if you can’t trust your family to “have your back,” how can you trust strangers or “friends?”
It’s people like you that restore my faith that maybe, juuust maybe I will oneday find that niche in life. That close knit group of something where it just fits. Finally feels right. Feels comfortable. Feels like “home”…whatever that is.
Until then, I will continue to frame my solo lifestyle positively…I mean, what other choice is there. Just live mindfully and trust the rest will fall into place. Don’t let the toxicity of your family life dull your own.
Props to you from Atlanta.
@heidenkind - Yeah, it sucks to be oldest. I was always the one expected to set the example that none of the others followed and if they got into trouble, well why wasn’t I there to stop them from being stupid little brats….
@Broom_Service - Thank you {{{hugs}}} I do not think my mother is NPD. I had actually heard of the syndrome before. But I do think that my siblings are (my sister definintely) and that my mother is so used to responding to their “needs” and of me being withdrawn and retiring because of my habit of “making way for them” that she doesn’t realize how she treats me. Though I have tried to make her see it before… apparently I am crazy.
She can be compassion to me if the other two are not around and are not in her thoughts at the time. But I think my sister is definitely NPD, especially the way she treats my nephew. My dad was definitely one too. If anything, my mother is an enabler, and I probably am too in my tendency to give in or walk away from a bad situation I don’t have the energy to deal with. My brother is probably just self-serving, though I wouldn’t be surprised if he was NPD. He’s definitely manipulative. I couldn’t say for sure if he has it.
I love my siblings, but I really don’t like them. If they weren’t family, I probably wouldn’t have anything to do with them. It’s terrible that my association with them is purely obligatory, but there’s not much I can do about it. I’m as disappointed in myself about this as I am in them.
@LissaIssa - Thanks
I hope we both find our niche someday. I know what you mean about finding people that feel like home. Still looking, but my Xanga friends are the closest thing I’ve found. At least there’s honesty and objectivity here.
@harmony0stars - You’re welcome. That is such a tough position for you to be in. If you ever need to release some pent up frustrations please feel free to contact me. Sometimes it’s good to just be able to get it off your chest.
Sending you some positive energy.