August 2, 2009
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Stress
You may have noticed a lack of updates this week. Frankly, I haven’t had the energy or the good health to sit and post anything. My stomach’s been hurting for a couple weeks now. I’ve always had pretty good digestion if I stay away from things to which I’m allergic. When my stomach has hurt in the past, I would just eat something, anything, and usually it would go away. This won’t go away. It ranges from nausea to outright pain. Nausea is what I feel most of the time, except when I’m at work, when it sometimes ranges into sharp jabbing I-don’t-want-to-be-here-anymore pain. The past few days, I’ve been on the verge of puking every time I go to work. I’ve been like that all day today and it’s my day off. Eating something doesn’t help any more.
And the migraines. I’m used to headaches of all sort and size. I can deal with most of them. I’m used to the pain. But I haven’t had so many migraines since high school. It’s every day, sometimes instant stabs of pain that seem to bubble up from inside my skull and scamper across my brain like cockroaches of anxiety before finding a dark shadow to hide in before they scurry on out again. Sometimes just on one side or another, or in my neck and back of my skull making me worry about Meningitis, or in the front, making me worry about stroke. It runs in my family. In all likelihood, it’s just a matter of time.
And the panic attacks, which I hadn’t had at all since I was in high school; when I was dealing with the constant stress of being bullied. Now I’m having them because we’re being bullied and belittled by corporate. Mostly I have them when I’m at home and even think about work. I’ve been having them when I’m trying to sleep, and I start thinking about work the next day. Not very conducive to a restful night’s sleep. I told my boss I’ve been having anxiety attacks, and she said, “Oh, well I worry about work too.” I said, “No… my heart’s trying to beat its way out of my chest. I’m sweating bullets, and I’m sick to my stomach. An ANXIETY attack. Not Worry.” She doesn’t get it. I told her I updated my resume and the reason I put for leaving my current job (when I finally find a replacement) was “ethical.” Talking to my boss does no good. She doesn’t get it. This job is killing me.
I gave myself a goal of being out of there by October. By the end of October, I need to quit that job whether I have a replacement or not because I am convinced that staying through the two months of holiday shopping frenzy will kill me. I worry about a heart attack with my anxiety attacks, and I worry about a stroke with my headaches, but hey, who knows, maybe I’ll die of a bleeding ulcer before either one of those happen. My brother’s on SSI for mental issues… I keep wondering if I could apply for my obvious work-induced post-traumatic stress syndrome. Something has to change or I’m not going to be good for anything any more soon. I’ll have a nervous breakdown and just leave… wander off the job in a fugue state and forget this miserable life. Selective amnesia. I wonder if my subconscious could invent a new personality for me. I’d like to be empress. I’m sure the drugs at whatever asylum I’m sent to will keep me in a cozy little fantasy world for the rest of my life.
I have serious doubts I can make it to the beginning of October, let alone the end.My posts are probably going to continue to be sporadic, just so you all know… and I don’t feel inclined to continue with the WCFQ at the moment either. Maybe later, if/when I free myself from the shackles of B_____’s emotional and bureaucratic tyranny. I’ll still comment, since that’s usually much shorter than my posts, but… well, you can consider me a ghost in the machine at this point.
Comments (12)
YIKES!!!
You need to get something for those anxiety attacks. I’ll talk to my hubben. We have an herb which when you chew very slowly on it, it calms the mind. I just don’t remember the name. You could probably order some online if you don’t have an herb store near you. You just don’t want to swallow the herb itself… it will make you vomit. You just chew on it slowly and spit out what’s left when you’re done chewing it.
The doctor put me on Xanax and that really helped me a lot to get through the PTSS/PTSD. I wouldn’t recommend it for long periods of time (I was only on it for two weeks to get past the rough spot) because of it’s many bad side effects should you get addicted to it. I know that beating in the chest… how you can feel it through your entire being. Maybe SSI is a good option for you at this point in time. Stress is a killer and I’m not ready for your to go. I know, I’m selfish… but things can get much, much better for you.
I know this feeling all too well. I have been in two jobs that nearly killed me and I could feel my body breaking down physically from it. Anxiety attacks, “ghost” illnesses (what I called them) where I was sick with a “cold” or “flu” for WEEKS but my husband never got them from me, you name it. I agree that I think you need just a little help. I would take the assistance whether herbal or prescription for a short time period. And if you could leave before getting a replacement, I personally would say screw them and do it, your life is worth it! Find a job doing one of your most loved hobbies and I would be jealous of you forever
sorry you are having such a hard time. i’m sure the headaches have something to do with your stomach issues. your boss not understaind anxiety attack tell her it’s a PANIC attack. maybe a different phrase will make her understand. and it’s a medical condition requiring sometimes medicine! not saying taking a pill cures everything but taking a pill when in full panic mode will definitely help and after a while you may not need the pills anymore and the panic will be gone. (i haven’t had to take mine in a while now i get them during storms) best thing i think would be for you to find something new to do. although i would worry about the job market around you though. not too manypeople hiring these days.
You need to really get out of this current employment. It also sounds like the beginning of an ulcer, and they can be hazardous. I would definitely do a ritual of intention and seek guidance in getting out of your present employment situation NOW, despite your October deadline. This Threshold time of Lammas season and a waxing Moon is a good time. Eat light and organic. Breathe deeply and beware the shallow breath and let your spirit be your guide. Rest as much as you can.
Working with the public can eat right through the human soul, and you have more to offer this world than what you will gain in your current place of employment, which is obviously cutting deep into your psyche and affecting your health. If anything,
find out about opportunities of working behind the scenes, such as in
auditing or inventory, so you are out of the path of crazy consumerism. And keep to your dreams…and your spirit…above all.
{{Hugs}}
Blessings & Peace…….AbbeyC
I’m sorry.
Get out of there! I think at this point it would be better to be unemployed than deal with all the health and stress issues you have now.
I’m sad you won’t be posting very much for a while, but I understand.
Take care of you.
I found the perfect pick-me-up for you! Black’s Books. It’s a TV show about a guy who owns a bookshop. I know it might take a while for you to load on dial-up, but it’s totally worth it.
Thanks guys. Today’s the first day of my 4-day vacation. Hopefully I can de-stress and take some strides towards finding a new job. I look every day when I come online now, which totally cuts into my writing time, but not much I can do about that. :-/
@Broom_Service - Let me know if you remember or your husband knows what that herb is.
@geekygreenie - I know how that goes. I’ve been “sick” for over a month now, and while some of it could be my allergies this time of year, I haven’t felt this rotten since I was a child.
@NightlyDreams - Finding a new job is the main worry. If my car were paid off, I wouldn’t be too concerned, but it’s not and I don’t want to lose it and then no have the ability to have a job because I wouldn’t be able to get to it.
@Bijouli - Yeah, I have to remember the breathing. I’ve noticed when my stomach or chest starts to hurt that I start breathing very shallowly. It takes an effort to breath deeply at that point. I worry that I might even start to hyperventilate and pass out. Mostly I just want to find a dark hole to hide in.
I need to find something that I can do from home, I think. But I worry if I did manage to find something to do out of the house, that I might become agoraphobic again and not go out among people at all.
@charmd13 - Thanks
@heidenkind - At this point, I’d even take a part time job as replacement. It’s not just the asinine way the company is being run or our cut hours and the amount of work they’re still dumping on my lap, but the way they want us to “help” the customers offends my sense of self. I don’t mind helping customers, but cramming books that I won’t even read down their throats is completely dishonest. I recommend books I know, not books for which we have a weekly quota. I hate that. It’s so mercenary. I feel like a used car salesman. I’ll try to check out Black’s Books, but my computer is reeeaaaaaly slow.
I am so sorry to hear all of this! We haven’t gotten to talk lately and when we do you have to be looking over your shoulder every two seconds because you don’t know who’s going to be behind you, listening to every word you say.
I would say you should leave sooner than October because this is obviously only making you worse and worse everytime you come in. Granted, it’s still a tough time to be looking for jobs but SOMETHING has got to be better out there. Almost everything is better than what’s going on right now, especially if your health is in jeopardy moreso than it normally is.
@harmony0stars - I’m so glad that you’ve got a vacation! The
herb is known by many names. We know it as calamus root. It’s also
known as sweet flag. This site
has it for sale. You’ll need to do a search for calamus root. For some reason
the link doesn’t work quite right. We normally get the cut and sifted. I have seen it in
teas but I’m not sure that it will work as well as chewing on the root.
Chewing on the root has a pretty quick effect on calming the mind. It
also works great for meditation. It also helps the digestive track and
the spleen. You can google it to find out more about it. I hope that
you get de-stressed soon. I worry and care about you.
@harmony0stars - if you don’t have everything paid off i would not quit until i found another check coming in. don’t want to get into a bad way.