January 30, 2004
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Thanks for the kind words Kat… my mood’s probably a combination of my headache (which has come back a third time now because of some maniac that freaked out on me over the phone at work) and problems at home. I’ve been thinking of going to the doctor for some prescription painkillers, but I have no money and there’s always the worry of addiction with most of their meds.
My mom’s bf spazzed the other day, and that had my mom asking if I’d like to move out even though I didn’t Do anything at all and I don’t go anywhere else in the house but my room. He actually spazzed over my brother who got sent home from jobcorps because of fighting. So while he was screaming and whining, I took my brother out on some errands I had to run. Two hours later we got back, and they were still arguing.
I just don’t know how I can avoid him any more than I do. She said he thinks I hate him, and I was like… duh? after how he criticizes me just for being a vegetarian (and brings up his past job at a slaughterhouse at any opportunity) and gripes if I have a different (social or political) opinion than him. No one’s allowed to say anything contrary to what he thinks or he gets all sulky and/or bitchy. And of course, there’re the penis incidents. Least he hasn’t been all touchy feely lately, mostly because I stay in my room I imagine… no opportunity.
I told my mom I don’t have the funds to get my own place, and she offered to help with money. Yeah, right. She already has to support my brother and sends monthly care packages to my sister. Like she could afford to help me get my own place. I think not. Nor would I ask. I’m not going to be one more drain on her.
By the time I’m done paying rent, paying my car, and my other bills, I don’t have that much money left. But I am not a freeloader like my siblings. It’s just so completely insulting that she would offer me money when I know she doesn’t have any. And it’s frustrating that I’m not paid for my abilities.
Everytime I think things are going my way, I get burned -like when I thought I had a publisher for my folklore manuscript and then that jerk at mediumrarebooks backed out on our contract. I may be a talented writer, but it’s certainly never going to make me enough money to get out of the house.
And it’s weird how people think of me. My brother and sister practically think I’m a saint. My mom thinks I’m “unhappy” because I stay in my room (but really that’s true only when she accuses me of being unhappy). My coworkers think I’m the nicest person in the world (doesn’t get me raises though! darn it!). Apparently the publishing world thinks I’m a nothing.
It’s frustrating to know who you are and what you’re capable of and still get no cooperation from the rest of the world. I should be published by now and kicking Stephen King’s bloated ego off the shelves.
Comments (6)
sorry to hear about your home life, but I wish you luck with getting published… my mom’s been trying to get her story out for a bit, and Stephen King… man, I’m not a fan… such tedious detail… blah…
Didn’t know it was getting so bad my friend. There is a manager job opening downtown??????????
But you have faith in your own capabilities. Even if it feels like nobody else does, you need to have faith in yourself so that you can prove them wrong. Hold on to that, it’s so important. Tell me, what are the ‘penis incidents’? Is he getting close? It’s no wonder you get headaches. You need to get out of there somehow. It sounds like such a bad environment.
I don’t know if I’d qualify for a management position Kat. I tried to apply for a supervisor position that opened shortly after I got the job at Borders, and they said I couldn’t possibly do that until I had been there six months. So far it’s almost been four. I haven’t even gotten any training for anything other than bookselling and cashiering.
Kissthewitch, the “penis incidents” refer to three different occassions when he’s walked about with his penis hanging out of his pants. And he likes to “wrestle” but it seems only when my mom’s not in the room. The last time he decided to wrestle, I’d swear he groped me. I am not a touchy feely type, and I do not like people to touch me without permission. I told my mom some of it, but she was very dismissive, and since she now says she “loves” him, I don’t feel like I can talk to her at all. She doesn’t listen. It’s very depressing and frustrating.
I so identify with this, though there have been no incidents such as the one you mentioned. I would say if something happens that shouldn’t, make sure you take care of yourself first, even if it means calling the cops.
My mominlaw defends her loser bf all the time when/if we say something negative about him, takes his side and the next day all on her own, she’ll condemn him. Sounds like these are two very confused women lacking some self esteem. For mine, it’s that she’d rather have the loser, than nothing at all.
And keep writing, keep trying! Eventually you’ll make it:) Personally I think Stephen King sucks as a writer and sells stuff purely on name now, not talent.
This won’t really have success, I consider like this.
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