Yesterday I made a little faux pas at which a customer chose to take offense. I say chose to take offense because, well, I could tell he wasn’t all that offended, he was just trying to make me feel bad for what I said, even though I already did. I mean, it wasn’t something I would say to someone or their children if they were black because I know it is a derogatory term, and I am just about the last person you’ll ever see making racial slurs. I’ve been on the receiving end of religious bigotry most of my life, so I am not the kind of person to go around insulting people for such superficial reasons as race.
What happened was this. I was walking through the aisles, past a large fixture around which I could not see. I heard some little kids giggling and carrying on in the next aisle over, and I called out, “I hear a couple of silly monkeys!” And then I rounded the corner and there were two little black girls with their father. I could tell right away that he was angered by the term, and I really couldn’t blame him. I mean, he doesn’t know me, and he doesn’t know that I didn’t mean the word I used as a slur. I call all little children monkeys. Heck, I even bought a “silly monkey” birthday card for my nephew’s upcoming fourth birthday because I call him a silly monkey all the time. I was apologetic but not falling all over myself apologetic because I felt to be too apologetic would make it seem like I really did mean what I said. I explained that I call all little children silly monkeys and about my nephew. They didn’t want to hear it, and I felt the better part of valor would be to vacate and let them get back to shopping.
So about fifteen minutes later, I get a call for the “service manager” to the register, which is what the supervisor or manager on duty is called, and that was me. So I went to the register and it was the guy and his little girls again. He looked surprised and asked if I was the manager. I clarified by saying I was the supervisor. I could see the little wheels turning… if she’s a supervisor she probably didn’t mean anything by it just like she said. He then said he was really upset by what I said, and I apologized and reiterated that I call my nephew a silly little monkey all the time. And he said, that’s your family. I agreed that this was so, and apologized again. And a third time when he said that I had upset his children. I said I was just teasing the girls (in a way that I tease all children) and I was very sorry. And then he left.
But he wasn’t all that angry or upset. It was like he was just trying to make a point, even though I felt just aweful about my poor word choice. Most kids adore me, and I tease all little kids in one way or another. Granted, I would not have used that word if I had been aware that they were little black girls because, like I said, I know it’s not a nice word when referring to black people, but I was quite obviously hugely embarrassed about it. I didn’t mean to upset anyone. I’m still embarrassed, but I’m also a little offended myself because it seemed like he didn’t want to accept my apology and that he was determined to be upset despite my attempts to mollify him. It was like, the more I apologized and explained myself, the more he wanted to be angry. Being an empath I could tell he wasn’t angry about what I said any more, he was angry about missing a chance to be angry!
Like I said, I can understand where he was coming from and now there’s another word I’m just not going to be able to use for any kids any more. I’m going to have to find another term of endearment for them. Years ago, I worked in a healthfood store and this really little kid went barreling through the aisle like a little speedball, giggling all the way. I didn’t get a good look at him, but he almost knocked another customer over and I called out, “Careful button, or you’ll hurt someone.” Well, the lady he was with came up all in a huff because it turns out he was a ten year old “little person,” and I should show more care in the words I use (even though I didn’t get a good look at him, and I thought he was way younger based on his running around like a little hooligan). So I haven’t called any little kids button in about ten years.
In any event, I’m still upset by this whole thing because I felt it was quite obvious that I didn’t mean to offend anyone (just like years ago). I also feel that he knew by the time he left (and probably before that point) that I didn’t mean to offend anyone and that he was intentionally taking offense because he wanted to be offended. At the most, I was trying to tease a couple of rowdy kids into playing more quietly, just like I tease all little kids. I hadn’t seen them before I spoke, but I definitely would not have used that word if I had. Anyone could tell that I was completely mortified when I realized what I had said. I’m mostly upset that the guy wasn’t willing to accept an apology, or numerous apologies. I could tell he left the store more because he couldn’t justify a fight than that my apologies meant anything to him.
I don’t know… am I wrong about this? Should I be more sympathetic to him? I do sympathize with the entirety of the racial issue, but I am not a racist, not to any race, and I apologized several times but I don’t know what more I could have done. I can’t sympathize with a person who chooses to take offense when it is quite obvious that none was intended. I feel bad because I did not mean to offend anyone, but I also feel angry that he wouldn’t let it go. I have been trying to let it go myself since last night, but I was really hurt that he wouldn’t accept my apology.
Hope everyone had a better day than mine.