February 12, 2011

• WTH Mom

  Some of you may know (if you follow me on Facebook), that I pinched a nerve in my back about three weeks ago. It still hurts, but generally only in certain poses. It usually wakes me up after 2-3 hours unless I go to bed with an ice pack, which has its own dangers (hate waking up with a soggy bed). The problem is mainly stiffened muscles, and only exercise really loosens them up until they clench again. Sitting in front of the computer and typing for hours on end is really not the best pose for me, but not much I can do about that.

  My arm only really hurts when I lean in certain directions, basically when I sit and lean forward- eating, food prep, (er bathroom)… So last night I couldn’t clean and dice more than 1/2 the potatoes for dinner. I asked my mother to finish for me as leaning forward to get the skin off was like a white hot spike being driven into my armpit. She cleaned one potato and then cut herself. My stepdad finished.

  My mother says to me as she takes the knife, “I’m in pain all the time. You don’t hear me complain about it.”

  Because you know, I’m just such a whiny bitch.

  I made the entire meal on less than three hours sleep, and I just needed help with the potatoes. WTH mom. I even emptied the dishwasher and refilled it with dirty dishes, despite the pain. I didn’t complain then. I didn’t ask for help. I know she worked all day. I worked all night. By rights, I shouldn’t have even got out of bed until 2pm, but I was up by 10:30. She also harps on me about taking medicine for pain, back, head, whatever. Apparently I take too much (at the prescribed amount as written on the bottle), while she takes just enough for her self-diagnosed “arthritis.”

  This is the reason I stay in my room with the door shut… so that I’m not a bother to anyone. She knows this. I’ve told her this (twice)… that I stay to myself because I don’t want to inflict myself on others, and yet she still says things like this. My siblings don’t get this treatment; nor does my stepdad. She makes excuses for them.

  My brother… he’s manic depressive. No, wait, he has Asperger’s. No, he’s clinically depressed. Before that, it was something else again. He’s on his meds, he’s off his meds. He’s self-medicated… It’s his friend’s fault. It’s never his fault. Mom takes care of his finances, his SSI because he can’t be trusted to do so. She buys him food to supplement his foodstamps. She runs herself ragged on his behalf despite being depressed herself. He gets kicked out of one apartment/house, and she finds him another. What will happen when she dies, she wonders aloud? I guess it will be your job to take care of your brother, she says. (Not if I manage to run away it won’t be!)
  

  My sister… is pregnant again. She’s had two miscarriages, an abortion for a tubal pregnancy, and lost one baby to leukemia. And that’s awful. I made dinner last night basically so she would have something good to eat because we all know she doesn’t eat right, and she and my nephew eat more fast food than is reasonable. I’ve been told for the past month that she’s sick, can’t eat, is tired all the time. We take my nephew so she can sleep (because apparently I don’t need to sleep despite also working nights). I really sympathize, even if I don’t think she should have another child. I worry she’s going to lose this one too, but that’s her choice. Must have caught my sister on a good night last night the way she packed it away though. Not that I’m upset that she’s eating. I know I’m a good cook, and I’m glad I could entice her to eat if she’s been feeling sick for as long as my mom says, but if it were me sick for a month (as I have been with my shoulder/arm), then I *know* I would not be getting the sympathy my sister receives.

  My stepdad is a roofer, so he hasn’t been working since winter started. Which means he’s completely obnoxious with excess energy. Cleaning the kitchen and living room once a month is his idea of being considerate… because the day to day mess he makes… his clothes and shoes in the middle of the floor, the food-gunk left in the sink to harden into cement… is of little consequence. Otherwise, he just sleeps all day and then makes rude/nasty statements which he thinks are funny. He routinely hurts himself at work, as I’ve been told anytime I grunt or whimper with unexpected pain from a movement that didn’t used to hurt at all. Sorry to call attention to myself. I’ll just try to button it in the future.

  I have tried to bring this double standard to my mother’s attention, but apparently I am selfish. No matter how much I keep to myself, knowing I won’t get any sympathy from anyone, the little bit I do say is met with indifference and contempt. My stepdad says it was my choice to get a night job and therefore I shouldn’t be upset that my nephew doesn’t let me sleep. To some extent this is true, but considering he doesn’t have a job at all until spring, I don’t think he has room to criticize. If getting a job, any job, is that easy, why is he wearing a hole in the sofa with his fat ass. I’m sorry I can’t sleep through an earthquake like him. I really wish I could.

  My mom dismisses anything I say about how she treats me. I’m only human. I feel pain, just like everyone else. I can’t help but think I’d get more sympathy from my own mother if I was an absolute stranger. She likes to bring up how she “does things for others” because it’s “just the way she is,” but what about me? It’s not like I ask for much. In fact, I ask for less than anyone in her life. I don’t routinely borrow money, make messes she has to clean up, or take up her time. When I want to spend time with her, I have to make an appointment which she writes into her date book and even then it’s often preempted by plans she makes with one of the others, or one of the others is invited into our plans. I’ve mentioned this to her as well, broken down in tears over it, but it’s “all in my head.” I’m supposed to be the stolid one who needs little in the way of maintenance. I’ve never claimed to be perfect, but apparently I’m the second coming and therefore I don’t need the support she lavishes on the others.
  

  Sometimes I wish I could move faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar away and never speak to anyone in my family again. Just disappear off the face of the earth and stop being the unappreciated bedrock that keeps my family’s drama from imploding. It’s not fair that I’m treated like this. I’m only a year and a half older than my sister, but my mother treats me like I’m not even part of the family sometimes. If there’s an emergency or someone needs money, she finds a way to help them out, but if I need money or her time, I should suck it up. I can’t count the number of times I’ve loaned her or others money, but if I need it, I’m SOL. Money is just money, and I don’t care about it in general, but as a symbol of my family’s concern about my welfare, it becomes evident that I care a lot more about their well being than they do about mine.

  I am so tired of being treated like a fifth wheel.
  

  • 6:02 am
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