March 7, 2006

• Another Year Older… whoopty friggin’ do

  What a rotten birthday. Gifts aside, and who really cares about gifts anyway, it was a crappy birthday. I spent Thursday playing violent video games. It was therapeutic. Friday I worked of course. I felt like crap, all achey and irritable. I had a migraine from sun up to sun down on Saturday, so I ended up calling in sick. Then Sunday, I woke up with a sore throat. Seems I had received at least one unexpected gift for my birthday, the family cold. So today I let my family drag me to Bennigans. It was the first day since Thursday that most of us could get together. Honestly I don’t see what the hype is all about. I’m (part) Irish, but aside from the look of the place, the cuisine isn’t particularly Irish so far as I can see. And I don’t drink, so…. oh well.

  
  

  I don’t know. It feels like I’m still at the bottom of a dry well. Must be my biorhythms are at an all time low or something. I don’t have the energy to do anything. There’s lots of stuff I tell myself I should be doing, like getting off this computer and cleaning my room, or staying on the computer and writing (as I haven’t written anything significant in months), or finding a part time job. I really, really want to do something, but I don’t know what. I just can’t get motivated.

  
  

  Maybe now that my birthday is over, I can go on to something else. But I have this overwhelming sense of anxiety. Maybe it’s because I’m an empath, and I’m picking up on my family’s monetary woes and compounding them with my own. My funds are low. Lower than they’ve been in a while, though not rock bottom. I really wish I’d get my tax checks, and the longer it takes for them to come, the more I wonder if I did my taxes incorrectly again. Last year I made an error because of the 401K payout I took when I left the bank. This year I may have made an error because of a pension plan payout (also from the bank). I’m not too worried about whether I’ll owe. Last year, I got about $1000 more than I expected. I’m more worried that any error will be in my favor, but that it will take them till June to send me a check (like last year). I’d really like to get my tax checks because I plan to pay off my computer and thus be free of that bill (and the interest attached to it).

  
  

  I’m sure lots of people have reason to be more anxious than me, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling completely out of control. It feels like everything is… waiting, holding its breath. I’m at the bottom of a well, and I wonder am I really at the bottom or will I find myself sliding down further into unknown depths.

  • 10:34 pm
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